Family Pics

So, being a photographer means my family gets to be my guinea pigs. These are some attempts at grad pics of my sister when she graduated from university awhile ago. :)

Waiting...

Happy Valentines day to all!

I completely forgot that it was Valentines day today. Its funny - its such a non-holiday for me. Nothing too special or exciting. Oh, except for cinnamon hearts - I absolutely love cinnamon hearts. They're addictive.

I am still without a job and have discovered something. I make better use of my free time when I don't have a lot of it. ugh. I'm still waiting to hear from the homeless shelter, the dairy farm job is gone and I just applied at Costco. Seriously, looking through the want ads is like sifting through a near-empty bag of Lucky Charms looking for that last remaining marshmallow - there is nothing interesting.

Add to that the fact that I'm feeling like I just need a break from the corporate, commercial world and there aren't too many available options.

I've seriously considered jumping in my car and driving till I felt like coming back. Just be a wanderer for awhile. Its not gonna' happen - still got stuff to take care of.

I met a guy named William today. He was begging on the street and definitely feeling the cold. I can barely fathom what would bring a person to that point. It makes me grateful for a God and a family that have not led me down that path. At the same time, I wonder if it wouldn't be a good thing for most of middle-class white Canada to experience something like that once in their lives. It would certainly breed a lot more compassion.

Dream House

You haven't heard yet cuz I haven't told you but I have been thinking alot lately about the relationship of the West to the developing countries in the world. Thinking about how much we consume and what effect that has on the rest of the world. Wondering why we consume as much as we do and why we feel it necessary to have so much.

It brings me, once again, to a place of conflicting desires. The list of things I wish to do would most certainly bore you but perhaps I will include bits and pieces along the way. The reality is that I'm renting a house (its quite nice actually), paying off student loans and looking for a job. Not exactly my dream world. I'd much rather be in my own house, one where I can decide which walls get to stay and which ones get smashed. Actually, its much more than that. I have this dream house...its based more on a feeling than any actual design. It would be a space of creative freedom. A darkroom, a library, a pottery wheel and kiln, a photography studio that doubles as a dance room, a painting studio, a garden - one for vegetables and one like they used to have with trees and hedges and paths and benchs, although I'd prefer it more wild, less manicured. A place where whoever came felt free to express - even those who aren't 'artists.'

I have always felt God's immanence, his closeness, most in places that spoke of His transcendence. A gravel road in the country at night with only the stars for light, a giant rock overlooking a lake, the ocean or the chapel at BBC. My house would have high ceilings and floor to ceiling windows in every possible space. I have a slight aversion to things that are new - they have no history, no story to tell. So it would probably be an old building that I converted and renovated. That's one thing on my wish list - learn to build houses. But after all that...I have to be practical. Is it right for me to occupy that much space? To own a house? To buy all the supplies necessary for such a place to exist? To consume? Even if it is a place of sanctuary and passionate renewal for others - is it justified?

Maybe I'll try my other dream...be a wanderer....travel the world with the sole purpose of discovering stories and telling them. But then again - plane rides produce my lifetime share of carbon dioxide. So whats it gonna' be?

Anchor

I've said before that my life is crazy. The past few months have given 'crazy' a new definition.
Christmas is always a little chaotic with all the cooking, cleaning, consumerism and community that goes on. December began in normal fashion, except I had most of my Christmas shopping already done. I was very proud of myself.

A few weeks in, my great-grandpa had a stroke. The family from BC started arriving to spend grandpa's last days together. A few days after his stroke, grandpa passed away. He was 94 years old and aching to go Home so the bitterness of his death was sweetened by knowing he was free forever from darkness. I don't know too many people that remember their great-grandpa, much less have a relationship with him. I count myself deeply blessed.

My great-uncle (grandpa to my adopted 9 year-old sister) came bearing unexpected news. His daughter (birth mother to my sister) was expecting at the end of December and wanted our family to take this baby as well. That would take us from eight kids to nine - a full house by any standard. The timing for everything unfolded like a well-planned maneuver. My mom had been feeling God telling her that "we weren't done yet." She had told us this and we reacted with, "that's crazy...there's already eight of us!!" We should have known that my mom doesn't get meaningless butterflies. Melinda Marie was born the day after we found out she was on the way. Ten days later, mom and dad made a fast trip to Calgary to pick her up. She was two weeks premature, 5 lb, 5 oz, and miraculously free of any visible traces of drugs or alcohol. She's beautiful and content and gets held most of the time. With a brother-in-law gained last summer and a niece/nephew on the way in a few weeks, my family is growing at lightning speed.

To add to the list of chaos....half the family was sick with a nasty flu while all this was going on. And the list goes on...

Its old news that I'm not working for the photography studio anymore (except the weddings I had booked for this summer). I was finished there in September and shortly after, I started working for a web/graphic design company. My boss was someone I had gotten to know previously. He had his own business and was thinking of hiring an employee so I offered my services. I was pretty excited about it to start with but the excitement faded as I realized how difficult it was to learn HTML, ASP, flash, javascript and a little bit of SQL - all at once. I've grown up being able to learn new things quickly and this was a whole different world - literally. I decided that this was a good challenge and would teach me some needed self-discipline. I eventually got far enough to be able to work at home. A new experience but a good one.

The challenge of doing a job that I sucked at probably contributed to the onset of a long-lasting struggle with my own capacity for darkness. My world was changing shape and color and I didn't like the new look. Frankly, I was almost relieved when my boss decided he preferred being a one-man-show and laid me off.

And that brings us to the now. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to just settle into something for awhile. In spite of the 'lost at sea' pattern in my life, land has come into view. I bear a slight resemblance to one of my dad's cows - sometimes it takes a good whack to get the message across. A crisis usually brings me to my knees more quickly and authentically than anything else. I'm grateful for this crisis cuz my knees seemed locked in a standing position for a long time.

I was reading in Hebrews (6:19) the other day and a phrase came out at me like a rescue boat.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

Take a second and breath that into your soul. Praise God, the Anchor. He is good.